So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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