She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
