I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
