batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
