so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
