This dress was meant to end up on your floor
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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