Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
