he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Are we still banned from the library?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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