I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
