You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
