Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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