STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
