Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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