I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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