you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
