cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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