Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
