hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
