Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
