I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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