Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
