***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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