Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
