part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
