Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
