I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize