matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
