me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
