It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is Oprah even human
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
