Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
