It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize