if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
