i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
