I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
