I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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