low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
