just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
