i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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