I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
