my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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