Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
