Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bring me that man meat
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
