Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
