I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
