I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
