Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You ruined the universe
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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