hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
