I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
