You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He? As in you personified your dick?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
