11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
