I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize