All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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