I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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