thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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