Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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