I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
