Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
