it was like eating out sand paper
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
